Alright so. This might sound strange but I once got chased around my office by myself. I know, sounds bizarre, hear me out. The day was a regular Thursday, I had a meeting that day about brand voice. I am a copywriter. Don’t know what that is? Well neither do copywriters. If I had to sum it up, we basically lie to potential customers without lying to potential customers and after they read it, if we did our job correctly, they become paying loyal junkies to the company. So I was in the meeting and well if I can recall correctly, my boss, a woman in her 50s started the meeting by saying:
“John, let me hear what you got for me.”
Now John froze for a second, he wasn’t used to being called first, after all we are the marketing department, usually the sales team speak first since they are more important. Think about it, which one would you rather be 100% perfect? The people responsible for closing the deal or the people responsible for making people know the deal exists? But John snapped out of it real quick, checked his notes and proceeded to speak.
“Brand loyalty has increased by 30% this quarter, and the reputation…”
“How can you tell, brand loyalty has increased?” She cut him off while staring directly into his eyes.
“Well there has been a considerable increase in the use of our tag that we created on social media.” he said, forcing a smile. “As you know we started a trend where people show us what they looked like in the 90s vs now. It has been big with our target demographic of 40-50 year olds.”
Looking back on it, the whole thing reminded me of a prey playing with its food. She didn’t really care but she had to show authority. She seemed satisfied with that answer, the thought of middle aged women showing off their glory days and associating it with our company was both pleasing and painful I must imagine.
“Actually it was our copywriter that thought of it.” John said, pointing at me.
Now I wasn’t bothered by her stare or her attempt at controlling the room. But I had a first edition King James Bible that I wanted to buy this month and it wasn’t cheap. At this moment it crossed me about what Jesus would do in this situation.
“Yeah, it was a huge success.” I said warily
“Fuck you!” We heard someone outside the glass office scream. “Fuck you and this company!”
The office became silent as we listened and watched a balding man in a cheap baggy suit and dress shoes with sneaker outsoles throw a trash can in the air. I started tapping my finger on my notebook as I glanced at the boss, I shouldn’t have but I did. She had her hand on her chin and elbow resting on the table, her dyed blonde hair pulled back into a slick bun and her eyes narrowed. I don’t know if it was her excessive use of botox or Satan in her but I can catch a slight glimpse of her holding back laughter.
The man climbed on top of the desk and started yelling in our direction but was quickly pulled by other coworkers, his forehead was read, a different read than the rest of his face. He yelled all types of slurs before the security team tackled him on the ground and basically beat the living shit out of him. But I bet if the company had to explain it our PR team would say “We neutralize an otherwise violent and aggressive man out of our office, we hope he finds the help he needs. No further comments now”
Once the commotion settled the boss began speaking again. She first congratulated me on the good work which sent shivers down my spine. We all know what happens to over achievers at work. In a month I might’ve had to bring a king sized mattress where my desk was. She then got briefed on what the sales, accounting, and other departments were doing.
After about an hour and a half I went back to my desk where my coworker was waiting for me.
“Dude, didn’t you say you was going to take a smoke break?” He said. “That was quick”
I looked at him blankly, sat in my chair and then sighed.
“What did you smoke? Crack? Why did you act like that?” He said
I brushed it off at the time, it wasn’t till the next day I started piecing two and two together.
“What are you talking about Thomas?” I said while leaning back in my office chair
But he didn’t respond, he seemed to be occupied with flirting with Ana in marketing. I didn’t think much, I had a slogan I had to write for a graphic we were going to post on a billboard.
“Worn by models in L.A & moms in Connecticut” I typed then shook my head hitting the backspace several times. “Paying 69.99 is a small price to pay for breaking necks.” I shook my head and backspaced several times again.
So I decided to take a break. I obviously wasn’t creating ground breaking work, I was sounding about as good as an A.I chatbot.
I decided it was no use staring at a computer screen and well one thing lead to the other and I’m outside at the park across the street. I was on company time and not on a timed break but something was bothering me. I dug in my shirt pocket to grab my fake cigarettes. I like to call them Virgin Jane’s, you see, they look like cigs but really they are full of herbs. Not very good herbs at that. Probably still kill me but without the nicotine. I tapped on the bottom 3 times with my pointer finger and one slid up sticking out. I placed it in my mouth and then dug in my pants pocket for a lighter. I patted myself once, then twice, then three times and nothing was there. A sighed and placed my head in my hands.
“Hey Neb! Dude!” I heard a male voice say from in front of me.
I looked up from my hands and it was a co-worker. Daniel. Famous for slacking off, so it was no surprise I caught him out here.
“Dude! You alright?” He said while sitting on the bench next to me
“Um” I said hesitantly, then I felt the fake cigarette in my mouth “Oh yeah, just don’t have a light”
He extended his leg and then reached in his suit pocket and pulled out a bic lighter. He flicked it twice and it came to life, he then handed it to me.
“Thanks” I said while taking the lighter and igniting my vice of choice.
“Dude that was something back there wasn’t it? I never saw anything like that before” He said
“What do you mean?”
That’s when his phone began to ring. Before he picked up he said “I have to take this, but dude, I hope you find something else soon.” And got up and started walking away.
I took a pull from the Virgin Jane and looked at it, exhaling in front of me into the air, I couldn’t help but think the herbs couldn’t have been that bad to smoke. Why did he have such a strong reaction to the fake cigarette?
I finished smoking and I thought it was best that I head back. So I walked through the park and across the street into the building. Took the elevator to the 42nd floor and walked to the water cooler. That’s when I saw him, or me? Or it? Whatever. I was standing right there talking to Ana from marketing but I wasn’t? I was also five feet away observing him. We locked eyes and he hurried the conversation with Ana and excused himself.
“What the fuck?” I said to myself and followed him.
I walked at a brisk pace behind him, he looked back and saw me, this is when it really got crazy. He started running. So I started running after him. He ran past my desk and pushed over my water bottle then started running again, as I ran past I slipped banging my head on the table. I got up immediately, dazed, confused, but my legs still worked as I ran after him. I was lagging behind but I had eyes on him still. He ran into an authorized personnel part of the office, how did he get in? I have no clue, only me and 6 other people have access to this backroom and he isn’t one of them, or I’m not one of them? Or it? I don’t know.
He slammed the door behind him as I ran face first into the door, that’s when I felt something dripping onto the carpet from my head. It was blood. When I hit my head on my desk. I quickly grabbed the ID card around my neck and scanned myself into the backrooms where we kept files important to the company. I let myself in and ran in the middle of the room.
“I know you in here” I screamed.
I received no sound back. I touched my forehead and it was blood on my finger. I caught a reflection of myself through the window glass, my eyes wide, my shirt bloodied from my head and my arm trembling. I took a few steps back and then I let myself out of the room.
“Hey Neb, what are you…are you alright?” A coworker said
A crowd started to form around me all shouting and screaming, I couldn’t make out one word. My world began to spin as I looked around. That’s when I locked eyes with it.
I was in the meeting room with my boss and my boss’s boss, he was talking to them but his eyes were locked on me. As I looked at each person in the room nothing seemed weird besides me looking at myself. How could they not tell? Was I that easy to emulate? Was I that easy to replace? I stood on the table to get a closer look at what it was but my coworkers grabbed my shirt yelling something I couldn’t hear, tugging me down off the table.
“What the fuck?!” I screamed hoarsely. “Who the fuck are you?!”
That’s when I heard tapping, it was me. Or it? It was tapping on the notebook in front of it. I strained my eyes to see the book and it was the first edition of the King James Bible.
“You think you’re funny bitch?!” I screamed at the top of my lungs
Then the CEO of the company looked at me just how she looked at the man being thrown out before, with almost a smile, as three security officers tackled me to the floor and dragged me across the carpet out the building leaving only my drops of blood on the carpet and it in my place.